lately my life has looked like a country song

Since July, I've lived in the Country and it's new to me but it's beautiful. I've dreamed of such a place as this my entire life. I've been crazy over Country music since I was thirteen and it's like living a song out here.

Recently, My Boyfriend and I have been taking rides to nowhere in his pick-up truck and playing the radio softly while we talk. Or somedays sit in the back somewhere and I'll teach him some guitar. I've been in love with Rascal Flatts recently along with Taylor Swfit's new music (ohmygosh it's her best ever, my favorites are Starlight and Everything's Changed).  It's simply glorious. The other day he was sitting there playing some Rascall Flatts I'd taught him and then he stopped. And he looked at me and said, "You know I was just thinking--we are going to miss these days someday." 

That hit hard. Someday I'm going to miss these days living this country song. Someday it's going to be a different song. But I guess that's life. It's wild and free and forever some days but it ends so quickly. So I guess we just have to savor every tune while it's playing and never fast forward to see which song is next. Because some parts are going to be sad...but the happy parts don't make any sense without those sad moments.

 I know God knew I needed to hear those words my boy said that one day. It made me so thankful for the life I live right now. I am so blessed. I have a family a few hours away that I love with all of me. I have a roof and a good paying job loving these three kids every day. I haven't had much pain in the last year. Mostly, I have an amzing savior who turned my black soul into a worshipping saint. They are the story behind the song I sing everyday.

I love this county life. Every moment is one to be thankful for.

Smiles, Maya

This Dumping Ground

So I haven't blogged in forever.

I've been pretty busy, but mostly I've been re-thinkng this whole blog thing. I don't remember what I orginally wanted my blog to be but as I recently I've been looking over all my previous posts and realizing blogging has become a dumping grounds for my feelings. I've resorted to blogging whenever I have no one to talk to, whenever I need to rant, and whenever I want to remember. And I'm pretty sure none of you like reading my sad feelings like every day. Or maybe you do. Who knows.

The truth is...I blog for myself. I'm not sure that's exactly a good thing, but everything you read here I don't write perfectly for people to read or get more followers. Actually, I haven't even viewed my blog and followers in over a month. It's just sometimes late at night or early in the morning in the midst of my crazy life I'll sit down and get something off my back so I can return to normal life.

The truth is...at first I was like, "I gotta redo my entire blog." But that isn't why I blog. I've drifted from the blogging commuinty and I honestly don't care. I blog because it is a dumping ground for my feelings when I need to scream and cry and ramble. And that's why I blog. I don't care if anyone is listening.

It's where I talk about perks of my Christian Life, or rant about boys and relationships, write letters to people, and talk about the pain I sometimes feel. And I like re-reading through it. It's like a journal of my life.

So if you took the time to read through this ramble I love you and I think your pretty rad. Because I don't blog for people, I blog because it's my darn dumping grounds. And I like it like that.

xoxoxMaya

It's impossible to forget you. You gave me so much to remember.

It's been a year.

I remember that night. I remember the fading city lights whispering good night. I sat, watching the world fade to darkness.

It was me, Sophie, and Lauren sitting on the porch watching the blur of New York City. I wish I could remember more of that conversation. All I remember is it probably began with the sentence, "So there's this guy," and etc. I do remember the laughter. I do remember Lauren's voice as she shared the stories of her life. I remember when we prayed that night, how big Lauren's grin was.
Mostly, I remember the trip home. I remember getting home and saying goodbye to them and Lauren mentioning the winter formal we were going to all go to December. I remember the last look we all gave all each other. I didn't know that would be the last time we'd ever see each other.

I never would have guessed I'd get a phone call several weeks later, saying Lauren had passed away. I would always remember how I got in my car to drive to Nashville and cried the entire way. I will remember praying, listening to music, screaming. I will remember not believing it. Lauren, my best friend in the entire universe, was gone.

I remember sitting on the floor of my sister's apartment, crying hard as I read through Lauren's journal. So many dreams cut so short. I also remember her writing how she felt like God was calling her to be a missionary. That was one of those moments I felt like He was calling me, too. I know God used my beautiful friend to help me want to use my life for Him.

I remember her funreal. I swear it was the hardest day of a lifetime. Hearing them talk about her like she was something of the past. To me, she was still a girl of dreams. I remember crying on her brother's shoulder and not understanding.

I will be honest. I was heartbroken. Death had shown it's face to me so close. I'd hit rock bottom. But you know what?

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. - J.K. Rowling



I knew Lauren would not want me to dwell in a past that had been ended so quick. Instead I knew I was going to start living for a future where we'd be together in Eternity forever and ever and ever.

God was faithful. He is still faithful. I learned this more than ever. God teaches us so much in grief. It's overwhelming. You do feel lost at times, but He is my refuge. 

"God alone can do what seems impossible. This is the promise of his grace: 'I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten' (Joel 2:25). God can give back all those years of sorrow, and you will be the better for them. God will grind sunlight out of your black nights. In the oven of affliction, grace will prepare the bread of delight. Someday you will thank God for all your sadness." ~Charles Spurgeon



I still miss her. I still love her.  But it's not the end. It's never the end.

i miss the beautiful

“You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.” --John Green

today, the breeze is coming in just ever so slightly. right now, i miss them so hard. i miss home. i miss germany. i miss the people that made my life. the idea of leaving all that, then coming here to find change and find myself suddenly is becoming hard. it's strangely lonely. sure, there are millions of people here. none of them are the ones I want and the ones I very much miss. you cannot truly discover how much you love anything until you learn the depth of missing them.

i miss the way you laughed. i miss the way you cried. i miss the way your hair went flying in the wind. i miss the way you said my name. i miss the way every rainy day was paradise. i miss the days when life seemed like something beautiful that would never end. i miss sitting on the beach and doing nothing but loving the fact we were together. i miss the way i never could understand anything but i knew i was happy. i was happy. i miss your beautiful eyes. i miss the way you looked at me with those beautiful eyes. i miss the nightime city lights. i miss the way the coffee tasted. i miss the car rides. i miss the days on the lake. i miss the days traveling. i miss the days suffering. i miss the way your arms feel. i miss being with you.

mostly, i miss my old life. i miss the beautiful life we all lived together. we were the closest any friends could be. we were family. we were infinite. we were gold. we were fierce.

now we've all gone on seperate paths. and i miss the beautiful.

Dear Twenty Year Old Self

Dear Self in Two Years,
I know your lifes probably busy, but I'm so glad you took the time  to look back and read this. My heart can't help sort of wondering what your doing right now. What adventure is life taking you on? Are you sitting in an office somewhere doing something boring? Are you happily married in an apartment in Germany? Are you still nannying? Are you on a college campus someplace? Are you sitting on the shore?

I hope you've learned to be fearless. Not unafraid, but not afriad to be afraid. I know you understand what I'm saying.

I wonder if your wondering when this was written. Right now, it's october when I'm writing this, a month of peace. A month of feelings. I don't think I will be able to make it through. I can't help thinking of last October. I know it's been three years when you read this, but for me it hasn't even been a full year and it hurts so bad. Last october was the worst month in exsitence. But God was faithful. Tell me you still say that with peace, thinking of the strums of that song in that horrid place.

I wonder what your relationship status is. I mean, is he still there? I love him really terrible right now. I hope I still do. I truly wonder if your married now, or if your single. Or if there's someone else.

Never forget who you are. Your me. Never stop playing the guitar. Never stop loving. Never think of last October without tears. Never forget sitting on the beach, thinking. Never stop cracking up at the worst times. Never stop being imperfect. Never stop being awkward. Never forget anything. Treaure every memory. Love everyone. Forgive, but never forget.

Never stay on the edge again. Dive headfirst. Don't drown, but swim strong. And if it isn't like you imagined, don't regret. Never regret what seemed right at the time.

Whatever seems hard at the moment, remember Germany and remember how beautiful life is. Remember it's always ok in the end, and if it's not okay...it's not the end. I know you know it's going to be ok. It always is.

Take time to sit alone and remember memories, today. Slow down and just love. Don't let life speed up the moment's that need to last forever.

This is a letter is a jumble, but I have to remind myself it's myself I'm writing to. And heck I understand.

Happy October 5th, 20 year old self.

Love, your eighteen year old self.

I am the edge of something wonderful

 



Will and I sat in Starbucks the other night, reading part of our journals to each other. It's a thing we started even before our first date. It's a sort of way of finding each other into each other's mind. Unusally fun, right? Anyway in the midst of all my song lyrics and music jants I found a somewhat worthy paragraph I wrote about love when I was contemplating dating Will or not.

June 4th, 2012
 It It's confusing, being on the edge of something that could be wonderful. But you are so afraid of the dive. What if I drown? What I can't swim? Every step I take closer to the edge, I become so afraid. What is wrong with me? When someone else does it, it seems so easy but I am still so freaking afraid of this edge. Of course, I'm talking about Will. Should I say yes? I mean, what if it doesn't work out? But it could. What if I fall too into love? Will I later tear myself apart falling out? I need to be fearless, but I am still full of fear. I guess that's the risk of loving. It could be a total fail. But we have a mightly God and well...who knows what will happen. I do love him, but I'm more afraid of losing him. I'm sure it's beautiful when you dive, but now I'm trembling on the edge of something wonderful.

"I guess I took the chance," I say, laughing. If I only knew.....

October || Music

"Somewhere Only We Know" - Keane (ft. Max Schneider & Elizabeth Gillies)
"Gone Away"- Safetysuit
"It's Only Life"- The Shins
"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (cover)"-Ryan River Sessions 
“Now Is The Start” -A Fine Frenzy
“On Top Of The World” -Imagine Dragons
"Free My Mind” -Katie Herzig
"Red"- Taylor Swift
"I Won't Give Up, "- Jason Mraz
"I Will Wait"- Mumford and Sons
"Home"- Philip Phillips
"Vice Verses" - Switchfoot

Throughout the process of living, different songs describe those different seasons. So I've started making little play lists every month to describe how I feel, so later I can go listen to them and feel deep nostalgia. It's funny how listening to favorite tunes from a happy time in life makes you grin ear to ear. This fall, for me, is a month of more quiet, happy sort of songs. Enjoy my cozy play list.

Music is always a important part of my life. My past few days can be explained only one way: Mumford and Sons, coffee with hazelnut cream, and guitars. Fall is the sort of season, where the outside calls me and my guitar to go outside and play a few tunes.

It's going to be happy music month.

October: A Mosaic of it All

Just A Collection of Inspiration for October. Some Via me, Some via Weheartit

It's arrived. The month where the world turns a ripe orange, where the healing of the past takes place, where at last the warm campfire moments unfold.

This month I want to be adventurous. And above? that's a collection of my mood for this upcoming season.

Please, October. Be good to me.