Heartbreaks

My life lately has been a flood of changes. My heart has been in a million pieces. I've felt if I can't breathe. It's so hard. I've  been struck by the fact that you never know what you have until you lose it. I've gone through a hard time trusting God but have realized with a big sadness, there is no going back. But you know, it's not ever the end. So I guess I better go ahead and spit it out.Thursday evening my best friend since birth, Lauren died. Died. Lauren was the girl I shared my dreams with, the person I laughed and cried with, the girl who knew every guy I loved, the girl who was there when I became a christian, the girl that was there when I was bullied in 1st grade, the girl who stood up for me, the girl who i wanted to be my maid of honor at my wedding. That girl. Usually when I am going through something, I call her. But I can't now in the saddest of all my times.

I've flown into Nashville for her Funreal and am sitting in my sisters apartment, crying. It's hard to think of all the dreams we had together. her brother gave me her journal where every dream me and her had. The awkward stories when we were freshmans, the silly giggles, and the serious romances. All that is gone. I was reading one of the cards she gave me on my birthday, which read,
"Me and you--we are now 15! That's like half of 30 and old. I can remember when we were five, giggling about silly boys. Imagine ourselves when were twenty! Life is so uncertain and exctiting. A beautiful story. Our futures are going to  be great and I can just Imagine that all your dreams will come true!"
That's the kinda friend she was. It breaks my heart that lauren will never live to be even 20.
But sometimes my tears are not just saddness.
They can be joy.
Joy that Lauren was a christian. She's with Christ now! And my time is short and soon I'll join her. Oh, God, your mighty to save. I'm overcome by your glory. You gave and take away. You gave me Lauren for so long and now she's gone. But to die is to gain. Oh, He has always been faithful to me!

I was reading my bible this morning when a sticky note fell out, where I had wrote the lyrics to the song, "He's Always been faithful." Nothing was more encouraging as I read those words.

I am not to the point where I can really let go just yet, but in time I will. Because I will dance in the rain and find the beauty in this storm. But there is a time for dancing and a time for mourning. This is one of those moments of sadness.

Because Lauren was my faithful friend. She was silly. She could play the piano with such a beauty and grace I cannot say. She was a women of grace. She loved life and laughter. She loved Jesus. She was open to anyone and never thought of herself. She was a light to this world and I want to follow her. She loved pineapple. She loved fiction and sat wars movies. She was romantic and I followed her example, because she was really good at dealing with crushes. She came to see me every summer and spring break at the beach and some weekends. She emailed me almost every day or called me. I loved her.

So, go and pick out a few places in Heaven we can hang out, girl. Because I can't wait to get there too.

I can say That God has always been faithful to me.