nothing but the silence//may 2012

April was good to me. That's all I can really say. The lovely spring breeze, the laughter, the new arrivals, the beautiful world. The perfect piano pieces. The warm tea and the crisp toast. The fact I am deciding that capitols work better for me than all lowercase.

I guess I have felt distance, acheing, and lots of other feelings so far in May. It's already the second and I am feeling quite peaceful, yet angrey, yet confused. This is the last month until my life truly changes. In June begins my summer away at missions. And in August begins true college life. I'm not sure I'm even ready to do this. To grow-up.

Sometimes I wish I could go away and be a child again at the ocean. Dreaming, waiting, smiling.

Someone please take me away to the sea. I want to go back there to my place of ponderings. My place of love. Especially now with everything going on inside. That's where I would think, cry, pray. I don't have that anymore. It leaves me here feeling awkward, feelings teary, feeling upside down, full of age-related hormones, I feel werid, I feel...

Distance.

The ache of distance. The rough hard war-beat hands, the stupid world is not on my side. No one is...ever. I can't breathe. I just....

Take a deep breath. Know that it will be alright. Has to be.

Nothing matters anymore. Nothing but the silence.

I wonder if next fall I will ever go down to the shore and have a good girl cry and ponder the silence. Ponder my life, ponder my future. My beliefs. My love.

This may is going to be spent blogging a whole lot. Just because I feel the desprate need to share my fears and my silly dreams in these scary moments with the world. Along with that there's graduation next week along with my graduation party. A lot of changes going on here in my world.

I'm going to miss this april though. It's the month I turned of age, the month brooklyn(my niece) was born into this world, the month a lot of great memories were born like eaiting ice cream on train tracks.

I hope may is good to me. A month to ponder and worry about nothing.

Nothing but the silence.