10.15.2012

It's impossible to forget you. You gave me so much to remember.

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It's been a year.

I remember that night. I remember the fading city lights whispering good night. I sat, watching the world fade to darkness.

It was me, Sophie, and Lauren sitting on the porch watching the blur of New York City. I wish I could remember more of that conversation. All I remember is it probably began with the sentence, "So there's this guy," and etc. I do remember the laughter. I do remember Lauren's voice as she shared the stories of her life. I remember when we prayed that night, how big Lauren's grin was.
Mostly, I remember the trip home. I remember getting home and saying goodbye to them and Lauren mentioning the winter formal we were going to all go to December. I remember the last look we all gave all each other. I didn't know that would be the last time we'd ever see each other.

I never would have guessed I'd get a phone call several weeks later, saying Lauren had passed away. I would always remember how I got in my car to drive to Nashville and cried the entire way. I will remember praying, listening to music, screaming. I will remember not believing it. Lauren, my best friend in the entire universe, was gone.

I remember sitting on the floor of my sister's apartment, crying hard as I read through Lauren's journal. So many dreams cut so short. I also remember her writing how she felt like God was calling her to be a missionary. That was one of those moments I felt like He was calling me, too. I know God used my beautiful friend to help me want to use my life for Him.

I remember her funreal. I swear it was the hardest day of a lifetime. Hearing them talk about her like she was something of the past. To me, she was still a girl of dreams. I remember crying on her brother's shoulder and not understanding.

I will be honest. I was heartbroken. Death had shown it's face to me so close. I'd hit rock bottom. But you know what?

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. - J.K. Rowling

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I knew Lauren would not want me to dwell in a past that had been ended so quick. Instead I knew I was going to start living for a future where we'd be together in Eternity forever and ever and ever.

God was faithful. He is still faithful. I learned this more than ever. God teaches us so much in grief. It's overwhelming. You do feel lost at times, but He is my refuge. 

"God alone can do what seems impossible. This is the promise of his grace: 'I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten' (Joel 2:25). God can give back all those years of sorrow, and you will be the better for them. God will grind sunlight out of your black nights. In the oven of affliction, grace will prepare the bread of delight. Someday you will thank God for all your sadness." ~Charles Spurgeon

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I still miss her. I still love her.  But it's not the end. It's never the end.

4 comments:

  1. Oh Maya.... :hugs:

    When I first started following your blog, there was a sense of deep sadness through your posts and...now I know why. You've been through a lot in your life, more than I could ever imagine. Sweetheart, I can never tell you that things will get easier for you, but trust in the Lord and He will lead you into a path that you were meant to go. {Proverbs 3:5-6} Abide in Him, and everything else will fall into place.

    Take care...

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  2. I can only imagine the pain of what you went through and I can well imagine the hopelessness and anger and grief. I hope to never experience it and I wish you hadn't either. I'm so sorry.

    I pray, Father, that you will just hold Maya's heart in the palm of your hand. That you will heal it and make it stronger, preparing it for your work. I pray that you will just comfort her in the way that only you can and that you will lift her up and give her joy and peace. I pray that you will just help her to shine for you so that all would look to you and praise your name for what shines forth from her. (Matt.5:16) Please just help her to live the dreams she and her friend had to the fullest. And bless her with all of the blessing in the world Father. Amen.

    I would also like to mention, Maya, your friend has only been in Heaven for a moment and on her watch, you'll be seeing her within the hour. Sierra
    Keep growing beautiful!

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  3. Maya, I'm not going to tell you that I know how you feel, because I don't. But this post, just about made me cry. And I'm not going to tell you that it's going to be okay. I'm going to tell you something that I've been trying to tell myselft lately: Just have faith. God says in His word "This life we now live, we live by faith in Jesus Christ."
    I love you, Maya, and I will keep you in my prayers <3

    ~Molly~
    mollyslittlecorner.blogspot.com

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  4. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you've gone through, but I am so encouraged by the fact that you are taking refuge in your Heavenly Father. I'll be praying for you that you'll continue to run to Him when times get tough. Just know that your submissive spirit towards God is a bright light for others to see. Continue to find your joy in Him because when everything seems to be going terribly, He will always remain steadfast! :hugs:

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