After The Last Tear Falls

 

As I look back upon Christmas this past week, I realize it's not the joyful day it is for me for everyone...

What about those families mourning over the loss of their Children after the shooting? What about every wife and mother who lost a man in war this year? What about the families stuck by the Batman shooting in Colorado? And what about all those in the silence? All those who secretly ache in pain, who self-injure, who give into drugs...

We live in a world of pain. We live in a world full of broken people. Often it takes a shooting to realize the pain out there.

Yet we have a promise. These things will pass away.

Last Christmas was rather hard for me. I was overcoming the loss of my best friend. The last thing I wanted to do was celebrate Christmas. But on Christmas Eve, I was reading my bible when a verse hit me. One I had read many times before, but seemed suddenly so new...

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

Crying and mourning are a thing to pass away. The pain of this world results of man's falleness. And through the cross, Christ has conquered death. Death and pain are to be no more.

One day Christ will forever defeat death for "The last enemy to be destroyed is death" (1 Corinthians 15:26).

And he shall wipe every tear from our eyes.

Yet still we live in a fallen world. A world where we will be hurt. Pain, sadness, mourning, tears aren't sin. They are naturally to our lives. But Christ will conquer them.

Pain is something I tried to be stronger than for years. I tried to heal. Deep inside, I knew the only thing that could heal me was God and His timing. I know so many others feel this same desire to heal. Can I just tell you the glorious thing He revealed to me? Pain is not a part of God's kingdom. It will be gone with the new world.

So this is to every human being who is in pain these Holidays, to all those who cry but no one hears, to all those broken lovers...God has promised to wipe every tear from your eyes and let you dwell with Him forever. Only just a little longer, and we will be able to be with him. He will wipe every tear from our eyes and our hearts. We shall rejoice then and forever.

Fragments of Coffee, Happiness, Hair, Christmas, and More Coffee

i. I am feeling rather good right now. The best I've felt in a while. It's due to the fact God's really been convicting me not of having a joyful heart, so I've been trying. The result is rather lovely. I actually like being joyful.

ii. It's also official coffee season. Peppermint Mocha's. I drink way too much coffee. But It's just so good.

iii. I'm off work until January. I am aware this is not normal for anyone. But the kids I nanny have been sent to spend the holiday season with their Grandma. So I am free. I am currently spending the week with my dear friend Liz. Next week, I get to go home #rejoice #sohappy

iv. I dyed my hair. I have never done it, except for highlights since I was 15. I haven't cut or colored it at all since a mistake I made a while back when accidentally making it green.  Last week, I decided to maybe dye the edges. Liz agreed to help me. Then, I thought--what if I did the whole thing? Liz was excited and the boy approved...so we did. It's still brown, but much lighter. I still really love it, but I'm still getting used to it.

v. I've had time for reading lately. A lot of that is reading blogs I haven't been able to in forever. It's rather nice. I've also picked up reading books a lot. I miss when I had more time to do that. John Green books are becoming my favorites of all time, I will say. And I read Perks of Being a Wallflower again just because it makes me cry and my heart race a million miles. I bought a bunch of Jane Austen books and want to read those over the holiday too.

vi. I will be honest here. I'm not too proud to be an American right now. I trust God, but I see poor leadership. I am considering moving to another country (sorta...). Not because they will have it figured out, but because I won't know anything over there about political junk.

vii. I'd like to revisit number two. I am currently drinking coffee. It's wondrous.

viii. This is a weird post of fragments. But my life is one giant fragment of a greater puzzle. 

ix. I realize this post made no sense.Hopefully over break, there will be real posts. Not just me being me. But me being me is the point of this blog.....

x. ...and I don't even know if I got all the roman numerals right....

xi. ....so I'm ending this post.

xii. So bye.

To My Little Sister

Dearest, your just so young. Your Jr year of highschool is upon you and Em tells me your having trouble.You still have so much life to live, you still have so many bridges to climb. Don't give up, ever as hard as they might treat you. Never stop smiling even if it hurts. Love fierce. Be fearless. Be who you are no matter what anybody will say. I know how hard highschool is and I'm so sorry you have to go there and not do school at home. I'm sorry it's hard with all those people to deal with. Just promise me you'll stay innocent. Don't give up the way you write on your hands, or awkwardly smile when your nervous, or can repeat Shakespere, or dance to yourself when your happy. I'm coming home soon and we'll have some study parties together like we used to and cry about stupid things like guys and popular girls. Darling, your unique. Your perfect. I know how hard loving someone is and I know your in love with someone who could care less. Just be you and don't change yourself for him. One day you'll find someone you loves you for you, not someone who needs you to change for them. I hope your highschool love turns out to be your true love or someone better comes along. I hope you save your firsts for that perfect time and don't give away the flawless angel you are. I hope some nights you drive and listen to sad songs loudly because that's who you are and nobody should change that. I hope you have a beautiful life and I mostly hope I get to be a part of it. I love you, baby. Your precious. Your my darling sister and one day I hope you live a million beautiful adventures. Please call me, even if it's three in the morning when you have your first heartbreak. Please call me when you are in true love for the first time. Please call me, because I love you. --Maya

here's to highschool and no regrets

When I look back at my highschool days, I see the times of an unfinished work. It was the painting of a picture, with some days looking bright and beautiful and other days full of dreading it would never be completed or even worse-completed ugly.

 It was the time God takes your life and let's you live radical. It also was dance parties, and believing you were forever. It was awakening stories within the soul. It was a time of music, of guitars, of campfires, of happiness. It was a time of wanderlust, of wanting, of farsickness. It was friends. It was those golden memories. It was the feeling of your first summer crush and the fearless leap you take in the process of loving someone. It was knowing for the first time life was truly amazing and worth living....

But it always wasn't like that.

Highschool is the nights of crying because you feel broken. Highschool is that first real love which leads to that first real heartbreak. Highschool is staying up all night studying for that test you put off all week. Highschool is full of regret. Highschool is long nights and dreading morning. Highschool is reality crashing upon your shoulders and life seeming so dim. It's watching friends give their everything to guys, thinking it's forever. And it never is. It's something wanting realtionships like those other girls had...even though you said you'd wait (and gosh I am so glad I'm still waiting).

So here's my last farewell...it's been eight months of school-less life and honestly some days I do miss highschool. I followed God through all those tough years and I have absolutely so regret in the path I took. But it's time to grow up in this same promise that He'll lead me home. It's time to move on.

Here's to highschool, the memories we'll always cherish, the nights we gave to much, the nights we didn't give enough, the friends we'll keep forever, and the scars that are slowly fading...here's to highschool and no regrets.

While I have not been blogging, I have been living

While I have not been blogging, I've been living radical.

It still seems like September, but somehow it's mid-November. How does that even happen? I'm so
used to warm weather, but this time of year I'm finding myself putting on a coat to go anywhere. It's odd. I'm not sure I like it. I'm used to wearing short sleeves this time of year. Stupid moving to mess up my mind :)

I've been finding the time passing way too fast, but the older I get the less it matters. Why would I look forward to breaks when it just means the same old same old working? But nevertheless I wish time wouldn't go so quick. I've been working for five months now, graduated for seven, and dating for six. It seems like yesterday those happy times were right before my eyes. But the more time goes, the stronger the memories are.

My precious kiddos are the same. Everyday I love nannying them more. They have really grown to be like my own children and I can't imagine time without them. Time forms the strongest bonds. Originally they were going to be spending this month with their grandma and I would time off, but that didn't work out. And I'm glad. I'm treasuring every moment. It seems like they will be off my hands for the entire December though, which leaves me making plans to go home for the entire month. I haven't been home in forever and I'm happy.

When I'm not taking care of those darlings....I've been taking long walks of late, listening to my cold sad November love songs and pondering life. I've been reading a whole lot including A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, anything John Green, and other handfuls of books. I've been trying to work on my music. All my feelings of late have been going into working on some new songs to write...and maybe one day I'll share one or two ;) I've been watching old episodes of Britain's Got Talent, crying my eyes off movie trailers, and learning to bake bread. I've been reading through Psalms, procrastinating when possible, and doing some blog designing when I'm bored.

I'm sorry for almost never blogging and when I do it's scattered and rambles. But thanks if your still reading my blog after all this time. You should win a prize. If you are, don't be shy to drop a comment and say hello...because I already love you whoever you are.

Smiles, Maya

p.s. Watch this, cry, and look forward to December: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSjbdufL828

lately my life has looked like a country song

Since July, I've lived in the Country and it's new to me but it's beautiful. I've dreamed of such a place as this my entire life. I've been crazy over Country music since I was thirteen and it's like living a song out here.

Recently, My Boyfriend and I have been taking rides to nowhere in his pick-up truck and playing the radio softly while we talk. Or somedays sit in the back somewhere and I'll teach him some guitar. I've been in love with Rascal Flatts recently along with Taylor Swfit's new music (ohmygosh it's her best ever, my favorites are Starlight and Everything's Changed).  It's simply glorious. The other day he was sitting there playing some Rascall Flatts I'd taught him and then he stopped. And he looked at me and said, "You know I was just thinking--we are going to miss these days someday." 

That hit hard. Someday I'm going to miss these days living this country song. Someday it's going to be a different song. But I guess that's life. It's wild and free and forever some days but it ends so quickly. So I guess we just have to savor every tune while it's playing and never fast forward to see which song is next. Because some parts are going to be sad...but the happy parts don't make any sense without those sad moments.

 I know God knew I needed to hear those words my boy said that one day. It made me so thankful for the life I live right now. I am so blessed. I have a family a few hours away that I love with all of me. I have a roof and a good paying job loving these three kids every day. I haven't had much pain in the last year. Mostly, I have an amzing savior who turned my black soul into a worshipping saint. They are the story behind the song I sing everyday.

I love this county life. Every moment is one to be thankful for.

Smiles, Maya

This Dumping Ground

So I haven't blogged in forever.

I've been pretty busy, but mostly I've been re-thinkng this whole blog thing. I don't remember what I orginally wanted my blog to be but as I recently I've been looking over all my previous posts and realizing blogging has become a dumping grounds for my feelings. I've resorted to blogging whenever I have no one to talk to, whenever I need to rant, and whenever I want to remember. And I'm pretty sure none of you like reading my sad feelings like every day. Or maybe you do. Who knows.

The truth is...I blog for myself. I'm not sure that's exactly a good thing, but everything you read here I don't write perfectly for people to read or get more followers. Actually, I haven't even viewed my blog and followers in over a month. It's just sometimes late at night or early in the morning in the midst of my crazy life I'll sit down and get something off my back so I can return to normal life.

The truth is...at first I was like, "I gotta redo my entire blog." But that isn't why I blog. I've drifted from the blogging commuinty and I honestly don't care. I blog because it is a dumping ground for my feelings when I need to scream and cry and ramble. And that's why I blog. I don't care if anyone is listening.

It's where I talk about perks of my Christian Life, or rant about boys and relationships, write letters to people, and talk about the pain I sometimes feel. And I like re-reading through it. It's like a journal of my life.

So if you took the time to read through this ramble I love you and I think your pretty rad. Because I don't blog for people, I blog because it's my darn dumping grounds. And I like it like that.

xoxoxMaya

It's impossible to forget you. You gave me so much to remember.

It's been a year.

I remember that night. I remember the fading city lights whispering good night. I sat, watching the world fade to darkness.

It was me, Sophie, and Lauren sitting on the porch watching the blur of New York City. I wish I could remember more of that conversation. All I remember is it probably began with the sentence, "So there's this guy," and etc. I do remember the laughter. I do remember Lauren's voice as she shared the stories of her life. I remember when we prayed that night, how big Lauren's grin was.
Mostly, I remember the trip home. I remember getting home and saying goodbye to them and Lauren mentioning the winter formal we were going to all go to December. I remember the last look we all gave all each other. I didn't know that would be the last time we'd ever see each other.

I never would have guessed I'd get a phone call several weeks later, saying Lauren had passed away. I would always remember how I got in my car to drive to Nashville and cried the entire way. I will remember praying, listening to music, screaming. I will remember not believing it. Lauren, my best friend in the entire universe, was gone.

I remember sitting on the floor of my sister's apartment, crying hard as I read through Lauren's journal. So many dreams cut so short. I also remember her writing how she felt like God was calling her to be a missionary. That was one of those moments I felt like He was calling me, too. I know God used my beautiful friend to help me want to use my life for Him.

I remember her funreal. I swear it was the hardest day of a lifetime. Hearing them talk about her like she was something of the past. To me, she was still a girl of dreams. I remember crying on her brother's shoulder and not understanding.

I will be honest. I was heartbroken. Death had shown it's face to me so close. I'd hit rock bottom. But you know what?

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. - J.K. Rowling



I knew Lauren would not want me to dwell in a past that had been ended so quick. Instead I knew I was going to start living for a future where we'd be together in Eternity forever and ever and ever.

God was faithful. He is still faithful. I learned this more than ever. God teaches us so much in grief. It's overwhelming. You do feel lost at times, but He is my refuge. 

"God alone can do what seems impossible. This is the promise of his grace: 'I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten' (Joel 2:25). God can give back all those years of sorrow, and you will be the better for them. God will grind sunlight out of your black nights. In the oven of affliction, grace will prepare the bread of delight. Someday you will thank God for all your sadness." ~Charles Spurgeon



I still miss her. I still love her.  But it's not the end. It's never the end.

i miss the beautiful

“You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.” --John Green

today, the breeze is coming in just ever so slightly. right now, i miss them so hard. i miss home. i miss germany. i miss the people that made my life. the idea of leaving all that, then coming here to find change and find myself suddenly is becoming hard. it's strangely lonely. sure, there are millions of people here. none of them are the ones I want and the ones I very much miss. you cannot truly discover how much you love anything until you learn the depth of missing them.

i miss the way you laughed. i miss the way you cried. i miss the way your hair went flying in the wind. i miss the way you said my name. i miss the way every rainy day was paradise. i miss the days when life seemed like something beautiful that would never end. i miss sitting on the beach and doing nothing but loving the fact we were together. i miss the way i never could understand anything but i knew i was happy. i was happy. i miss your beautiful eyes. i miss the way you looked at me with those beautiful eyes. i miss the nightime city lights. i miss the way the coffee tasted. i miss the car rides. i miss the days on the lake. i miss the days traveling. i miss the days suffering. i miss the way your arms feel. i miss being with you.

mostly, i miss my old life. i miss the beautiful life we all lived together. we were the closest any friends could be. we were family. we were infinite. we were gold. we were fierce.

now we've all gone on seperate paths. and i miss the beautiful.

Dear Twenty Year Old Self

Dear Self in Two Years,
I know your lifes probably busy, but I'm so glad you took the time  to look back and read this. My heart can't help sort of wondering what your doing right now. What adventure is life taking you on? Are you sitting in an office somewhere doing something boring? Are you happily married in an apartment in Germany? Are you still nannying? Are you on a college campus someplace? Are you sitting on the shore?

I hope you've learned to be fearless. Not unafraid, but not afriad to be afraid. I know you understand what I'm saying.

I wonder if your wondering when this was written. Right now, it's october when I'm writing this, a month of peace. A month of feelings. I don't think I will be able to make it through. I can't help thinking of last October. I know it's been three years when you read this, but for me it hasn't even been a full year and it hurts so bad. Last october was the worst month in exsitence. But God was faithful. Tell me you still say that with peace, thinking of the strums of that song in that horrid place.

I wonder what your relationship status is. I mean, is he still there? I love him really terrible right now. I hope I still do. I truly wonder if your married now, or if your single. Or if there's someone else.

Never forget who you are. Your me. Never stop playing the guitar. Never stop loving. Never think of last October without tears. Never forget sitting on the beach, thinking. Never stop cracking up at the worst times. Never stop being imperfect. Never stop being awkward. Never forget anything. Treaure every memory. Love everyone. Forgive, but never forget.

Never stay on the edge again. Dive headfirst. Don't drown, but swim strong. And if it isn't like you imagined, don't regret. Never regret what seemed right at the time.

Whatever seems hard at the moment, remember Germany and remember how beautiful life is. Remember it's always ok in the end, and if it's not okay...it's not the end. I know you know it's going to be ok. It always is.

Take time to sit alone and remember memories, today. Slow down and just love. Don't let life speed up the moment's that need to last forever.

This is a letter is a jumble, but I have to remind myself it's myself I'm writing to. And heck I understand.

Happy October 5th, 20 year old self.

Love, your eighteen year old self.

I am the edge of something wonderful

 



Will and I sat in Starbucks the other night, reading part of our journals to each other. It's a thing we started even before our first date. It's a sort of way of finding each other into each other's mind. Unusally fun, right? Anyway in the midst of all my song lyrics and music jants I found a somewhat worthy paragraph I wrote about love when I was contemplating dating Will or not.

June 4th, 2012
 It It's confusing, being on the edge of something that could be wonderful. But you are so afraid of the dive. What if I drown? What I can't swim? Every step I take closer to the edge, I become so afraid. What is wrong with me? When someone else does it, it seems so easy but I am still so freaking afraid of this edge. Of course, I'm talking about Will. Should I say yes? I mean, what if it doesn't work out? But it could. What if I fall too into love? Will I later tear myself apart falling out? I need to be fearless, but I am still full of fear. I guess that's the risk of loving. It could be a total fail. But we have a mightly God and well...who knows what will happen. I do love him, but I'm more afraid of losing him. I'm sure it's beautiful when you dive, but now I'm trembling on the edge of something wonderful.

"I guess I took the chance," I say, laughing. If I only knew.....

October || Music

"Somewhere Only We Know" - Keane (ft. Max Schneider & Elizabeth Gillies)
"Gone Away"- Safetysuit
"It's Only Life"- The Shins
"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (cover)"-Ryan River Sessions 
“Now Is The Start” -A Fine Frenzy
“On Top Of The World” -Imagine Dragons
"Free My Mind” -Katie Herzig
"Red"- Taylor Swift
"I Won't Give Up, "- Jason Mraz
"I Will Wait"- Mumford and Sons
"Home"- Philip Phillips
"Vice Verses" - Switchfoot

Throughout the process of living, different songs describe those different seasons. So I've started making little play lists every month to describe how I feel, so later I can go listen to them and feel deep nostalgia. It's funny how listening to favorite tunes from a happy time in life makes you grin ear to ear. This fall, for me, is a month of more quiet, happy sort of songs. Enjoy my cozy play list.

Music is always a important part of my life. My past few days can be explained only one way: Mumford and Sons, coffee with hazelnut cream, and guitars. Fall is the sort of season, where the outside calls me and my guitar to go outside and play a few tunes.

It's going to be happy music month.

October: A Mosaic of it All

Just A Collection of Inspiration for October. Some Via me, Some via Weheartit

It's arrived. The month where the world turns a ripe orange, where the healing of the past takes place, where at last the warm campfire moments unfold.

This month I want to be adventurous. And above? that's a collection of my mood for this upcoming season.

Please, October. Be good to me.

what is like to be infinite?

Listening to Beam me Up by P!nk
Loving this post. And this one just as much.


Time. It's the past. It's the present. It's the future. It's a measure.


I am a human being. My life is limited by time. I don't think I've ever truly grasped that my whole exsitence is only a  fragement of time. I don't think I've grasped the fact I will one day be gone from this world. The only thing I've grasped is Christ is infinite, therefore in Him we are forever. In His Kingdom, there is no ending.

I was rambling about this to my soul-sister the other night and she said,

"What is like to be infinite?"

I had no anwser.

About half an hour later we were at a worship night at Chruch, that was powerful. While the band was finishing up one of the most powerful songs, I leaned over to her and whispered, "This is what it feels like to be infinite."

Feeling completely drenched in the Glory of God. That is my forever.

Don't Even Know Why//Define Character

It's funny how everyone is always saying all this stuff about losing yourself in the culture and becoming someone you aren't. But I think it's sort of impossible to lose yourself. Actually you can't. You can trick yourself to believing lies about yourself, but always if you look inside you see the same you.

I was thinking about this last night. I'd packed up my dinner, a book, my i-pod, and my journal and spent the night sitting on the train tracks and having the best friday night ever. It was one of those happy moments. As I watched the sunset I remembered a 16 year old me who would go down to the beach every night with a friend and watch the sunset.

I was different then.

Mostly because I'd grown to want to be one of the crowd. I'd changed things I thought were bad. Now, I realize those weren't bad things. Those were me things.

Sure, I've changed. But if you go inside deep I have the same soul the sixteen year old me had.

I never want to lose the true me. The same girl who is desprately in love with the ocean, quite out-going, sporty, bold, and pretty out-going. Sure, there are things I plain hate about myself. I wish I hadn't said half the things I said when I was in school. Well...you know? In books, every character makes mistakes. Even the hero's. We all have flaws to overcome, but the good parts of the hero is always what makes it strong. The weak things just help us get stronger.

Sometimes I even forget the character I am fighting to be, but I want to continue to fight to define the girl I want to be.

kinds of happy

//Listening To Our July in The Rain by He is We//
//Currently watching fall trasform the world from the comfy place of my window//

//re-playing a favorite verse of your favorite song over and over

//watching my favorite television show from highschool and still laughing aloud

//wearing converse

//nostalgia that perfectly hurts

//the first sip of a wonderful warm drink

//the first year I have no big papers to weep about with my fellow blogger peeps

//how mumford and sons are becoming a favorite thing of mine

//listening to taylor  so country new song that came out yesterday

//reading journal. getting chills. crying. reading more.

//eating gelato downtown with a bestie

//when the perfect song comes on at the perfect time you need it

//pumpkin spice lattes made by my favorite boy

//hall of fame (the script) making it's way to like my favorite song

//this movie. it will rock my world

//new books to read

//when a conversation just gets awkward

//playing and singing at a dance

//when spell check highlights "ohmyfreakinggosh" as a mispelled world. no way...


Hope your having your own kinds of happy today, girls.

smiles, maya

Forever is a long time, but I wouldn't mind spending it with you

//Listening to Mumford and Son's//
Currently sitting in my room drinking a mocha for sbucks, with a certain 6 year old cuddled up next me drawing.//

Via WeHeartit

I've been,dating/courting/whatever two and half months. I've learned a whole heck about love.

I don't want be a girl who just talks about guys, but I felt like I haven't written about my thoughts on it in my life lately. So I was all girly and wrote this up.

I can still remember before getting into my current relationship asking a dear friend, "But what if it doesn't work out?"
And she just looked at me and said, "But what if it does?"

I'm a believer in providence and I know everything happens for a reason. And right now I know he's made me this feel so wonderful I can't imagine a time before I loved him. Loving someone is an adventure and apart from your Christian walk, it's the greatest adventure in the world. And having someone who truly loves Christ is what makes our relationship focused on Him not us. And I don't think every girl has an amazing guy who is correcting her and showing manly leadership. I remember asking him on one of our first dates to just be a guy. Not a immature boy or a too mature man, but a real honest guy. He's been wonderful.
I don't want it to sound like it's perfection. It isn't. It's no where near perfection. We've had our millions of issues and problems.

That's the thing about love. It cracks. It burns. It's hurts...terrible. But real love survives the trials. Fake love can't make it through rough times. I know. It's had my share of heartbreaks. And I'll be honest, I've had my share of guys I've fallen for. Even though I've liked my boy since I was in middle school, I've had my share of other things along way. I've stepped in love so many times. But it's taken me this long to fall head-first into it. And ohmyfreakinggosh I am so glad I waited during my teen years. A relationship takes up a lot that I wasn't near ready for back then.

A friend asked me the other day if I thought we'd get married. I honestly have no idea. We'll see. I'm still a fresh girl of eighteen with no solid plans and he's still a college student with no solid plans for his. Sure, we've talked about it a lot. But we are still praying to God for wisdom in this part of our lives, because this is the biggest descion we could ever make.

And for you guys wondering how I feel? I'd walk down the isle tomorrow if I could...

I don't know if this is gonna last forever. But I know God is in control. Everything could change in a moment, but for now I'm living on memories of drinking coffee in his car in the pouring rain and sitting by the lake the first time we held hands.

Being a Christ-centered relationship makes everything so sweet, but I have also learned nothing beats the love of the savior.

Forever ist eine lange Zeit, aber ich hätte nichts dagegen, verbringen Sie es mit Sie!
Smiles, Maya

Thanks for the Memories

That's the thing about life. It goes by so fast you can't control it. It's a bullet train. But it leaves it whispers like everything does. Relationships leave their stains, people leave their stories, time leaves it's rust. And life leaves it memories. I can't ever go back to the places and times I really want to go back to, but I can remember them. Because sometimes I miss people and places that aren't there anymore or are far away. But life? Thanks for the memories.

Kiss the world goodbye, it's time to fly away home

{Via}

There is some sort of contentment fall always brings for me. Summer is always exciting, full of adventures. Winter is always when the blizzards of the world and life blow. Spring is the state of growth and change. And fall is perfect. It comes slowly, but it does come. All things come, just not the way we expect.

I spent this week home. Well, I guess it's not home anymore. This is my first fall away from my family and with me being sick it seemed like the perfect opportunity to get-away. There is nothing like coming home and smelling the same old smell that brings back so much. There is nothing like hugging your little sister and kissing your little brother's face. When I see them again, a flood of memories re-visits me.

I missed my family. I've moved a thousand times, but still there is something about going home simply because they are there. A house doesn't make a home, a family does.

Sleeping in my old bed and walking those hallways opened a window I hadn't touched in forever. A window I didn't want to re-visit. I didn't realize I missed so much until I was there to be with it again. You forget how beautiful memories are until you remember them so clearly.

But sometimes, as sweet as memories are, that window doesn't make me want to go back as much as it wants me to go forward. I look back at the person I once was, and am glad God has brought me this far to new adventures and new shores. And I simply can't wait to see the next road he'll set me on and ask me to call my home for now. This fall I am not wanting anything but where I am.

Things will change. But sometimes it's time to kiss the world goodbye and fly away to the next place God wants us to call home. It often takes a window from the past to help us to see that.

Smiles, Maya

Dear Boys, Love the girl who write these letters...

Dear Boys,
Hey...I like writing to you.
Love,
the girl who writes these letters.

Dear Girls,
Writing to you is just...not as fun.
Love,
The girl who would rather write to guys.

Dear Boy,
And don't tell anyone but your my most favorite to write to.
So let's go back to drinking coffee in your car in the rain,
Because I am pretty sure that was the most romantic thing ever...
Love,
The girl who loves you to the moon and back

Dear the kid in my french class,
I am pretty sure you were my first crush.
I was weird. You were weireder.
We were cute.
Love,
Maya
"Your ex-crush"

Dear Blonde,
Just ask her out.
Please.
It would make my life easier.
Love,
The friend who hates single friends.

Dear Mountain Man,
You need a wife. Not a girl, a wife.
Get one.
Love,
Maya

Dear Charlie,
We all get happiness from your letters.
Just a few more days!
Love,
Your dear friend.

The Story of The Girl

I thought it was well time I told my full life story or testimony.

I've left out important details on here before mostly because I was ashamed of things like my parents being divorced. But I am not ashamed of the life the Lord saved, so here it goes:

My father was a missionary who never graduated college but felt the calling to move to Africa. My mother was a Jewish girl in nursing school. They met while Dad visited New York, where Mom was at college. They married 9 months after meeting and moved to Africa. There my sister Emily and my brother Jeremy were born. After J's birth they talked about moving back to the states because my father was suffering back health problems. On the way, Dad got really sick and they were stuck in Europe and he ended up recovering in Romania. There, I was born.

I had two younger siblings--Josh and Rachael--while living in Europe. I spent a lot of my early childhood doing missions and working in a hospital with Mom in Romania until me finally moved back to the states so we could go to public school. I was in 1st grade. We moved about twice every year (pretty much to wherever Dad could get a job) and I was a pretty lonely little girl. My Dad and Mom divorced when I was nine, which broke my heart to pieces. Along with that I'd grown up around a lot of death in the hospital in Romania and moving around often I was told, "Nothing ever lasts." I was bitter, disbelieving, and burring inside. Especially when my mom remarried a year later. Later on she would have Willie, my youngest brother.

Without my Dad, I sadly never heard the gospel much growing up.

One big part of my life was my sister who was not seeking the Lord at that point. She was very involved in relationships with boys even at the age of 14. Emily was and still is the beauty of the family and could easily get someone to get out with her or to sleep with her. I didn't understand all this at the time, but I did understand some when Emily got pregnant one week after her 16th birthday. I wanted to keep it and persuaded Emily to keep the child. She did and named him Calvin. To this day he is a blessing.

When Emily was almost 18 (trust me...there's a point in telling you all this) she went to a retreat and were able to hear the Gospel for the first time and Em was saved. I saw a radical change in her life, from breaking up with her boyfriend, to the way she treated our family, to the way she mothered her son. It made me wonder.

I was 13 and Emily kept sharing the Gospel with me. But I didn't listen and continued to live for myself. She made me go to Church one Sunday. Then she made me go to a youth retreat with her. I did because I couldn't help desiring what Em had. One of the nights I suddenly felt a deep burden of guilt I could not describe. I felt a fire and a rushing wind upon my back and I was shaking in fear. For the first time, I was certain there was a God but I knew I was not worthy of Him. The next day I told Emily this and once more she shared the Good News with me. I was overwhelmed and cried. That night I called upon His mighty name to wash my new with the blood.

I couldn't believe He would be kind to me, a sinner. He would die for me, a sinner. For I had broken almost all of God's law. I was a girl of morals growing up and taught that "If I was good, good things came." But the truth was I to be eternally damned to hell and eternal suffering. I was dead in my sin. I was simply a thing of this world to fade away. I, along with all, deserve hell.
But God, being rich in mercy called me to be a disciple of him. I was naked but he clothed me in righteousness and I now I follow him with all of me.

It's been 5 and half  years since that day when the Lord called me to be His. And I have been through a lot since but everyday my joy of Christ my Lord been as great. Because He loves me I want to live the rest of my life porclaiming to others this love. Oh, that I, a sinner may cry Hallelujah! What kind of a love is this?

Well, you know. Just another GIVEAWAY

In order to make these terrible back-to-school weeks better (haha...I have none...) I'm throwing a little giveaway over here at Efflorescence. Two prizes. Two Winners. One week. Enter right now!

//Prize One// Brown and Red Earrings from Fancy and Funky Jewelry Shop.


//Prize Two// A mega Blog Design from Maya Moore Graphic Design.

To Enter:
// Must be a follower of Efflorescence.
and
//Do one of the following: Blog about it, tweet it, share on FB, follow me on twitter, follow the Graphic Design site.

Comment with each entry. Have fun! Please share the word!

Being Real (a guest post by Neeley)

Maya's Note: This is a guest post by a girl who can truly write. Visit her newer blog here and please follow. She is an amazing girl and responded eagarly when I asked her to post.

*******************************************************
"things that say a lot about people:

the way which they treat the waiter/waitress

how they feel about the weather

whether they dog ear pages or highlight in books

fingernails

and hands in general

their preferred creative outlet

how much they dread/enjoy talking on the phone

whether or not they drink coffee

if they ever forget to eat

how honest they are with themselves (and others)

if they correct your grammar

and whether or not they get nervous before haircuts (via here)"

So, In order that you might tell a little about me and the things that tell a lot about me, here I shall tell.

I treat the waiter how they seem to want to be treated. If they talk much, so will I. If they seem like they don't want to me there, I won't push it. Honestly I'm never too social or talkative with one. because I'm usually interested in the person with me. But I always try to be polite, because I feel sorry for someone like that.

I love the weather, whether rainy or sunny. As much as it can ruin plans, there's always a time to rejoice in whatever the skies drop upon us. Where I live, it never snows so I love when that happens sometimes. That's how I feel about the weather.

I don't highlight or dog ear. I underline with pencils in school books, underline in different colored pens in my bible, and for other books I just wear them out and tear them to pieces with love.

Fingernails bring me distress. To start, I hate having my fingernails painted. I love having my toes painted but my fingers get all chipped and ruined so quick. And it annoys me to have them painted because I look at them constantely and see the mistakes. Plus, it's impossible to paint my left hand.

Hands are interesting things. I enjoy mine free of jewely, minue my promise ring. I like them covered in lotion. Personally, the greaest use of hands is holding someone elses, but that day for me has not come yet and won't for years.

My perfered creative outlet would be writing. Art is too messy for me. Or maybe I'm too messy to make good art. Writing is art. Writing is feelings. Writing is stories. It's thoughts captured on paper and written with joy.

I will be honest. I have a case of Telephobia. I hate talking on the phone. It's the worst thing in the entire world. When I do, it freaks me out and try to stay calm but it's impossible. I really don't feel comfortable doing it. Text me instead, please or talk to me face-to-face.

I drink coffee and ltos of it. When I went to Poland this summer I started. One, because european coffee i good and I spent half the trip in coffee shops. Two, Because I was running on little energy because I knew I could sleep at home.

I never forget to eat, unless I am sleeping or on vacation.

I try to be, but the half the time I fail at being honest with myself. But there are times where I have to drill in my mind the truth. Being a Christian, I think it's easier to know the truth because anything bad has so much hope. I try to be honest with others and I truly am 99.9 of the time.

I'll correct your grammar if it's one of my grammar pet peeves. And being the writing geek I am, yes I have grammar pet peeves.

I don't get nervous before haircuts. Mainly because my Mom has cut my hair over the past few years just to keep it healthly. You don't even nodice it. Recently I got 5 inches cut off and I felt a tad bit nervous afterword because I was like "what if people hate this?" But no one really nodiced ( my hairs wavy so it's hard to tell) and the few who did loved it.

I guess that was a crazy guest post, just writing about me. But it's what came to mind.
If you've read my blog, I guess you've learned some more.
if not, it's nice to meet you.

I"m Neeley. Check more out at Run Free.

And I'll Remember Forever...

Something I've learned recently is every memory is linked with a feeling. That's how we revisit those feelings, that's how we remember. For with each second that passes, we treasure up bits of that moment. And when we feel those some feelings once more, we remember. That's we hate remembering someone we lost, because that pang of love is too great for us to bear because it can't be fulfilled. The same way a memory can be pain, it can be sweet.

Because in this life, we yearn desperately for the past. We yearn for happiness and we yearn for truth. I think that's because we can be so overwhelmed by today all we want is a place where we knew we were once happy.

Today I was browsing through some old pictures and found myself weeping. I saw a picture of the home I missed, of the couple I hadn't seen in years, of the setting sun in New York, of the waves against the shore, of the friend that was gone, and of the girl I used to be. I wanted those times back. I was truly happy then.

All I want is to go back and look at that shore one last time, and take in that memory. I'd want to live in that forever if I could. But life goes on. It never stops. Every moment will one day be a memory. So all I have is to treasure it all up.

Because I can't go back.

Ever.

So instead of living for a life that is gone beyond my fingers, I must learn to live for this moment. But it's so hard when this moment is always changing each day. It's impossible to live entirely today. AS I treasure those memories, I can learn lessons for today.

I will learn to live for today, but I'll always remember forever.

Smiles, Maya

Fight, Don't Wait

It was the message we all heard.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Prince Charming is coming.

So, wait.

As a freshman in highschool I remember being told, "The reason God doesn't give someone is because we are just not ready. When we are ready, He'll give out future husband to us."
I was told, again and again that there is a guy out there perfect for me.

This is all one big lie.

Don't take me wrong, just listen.

We all have heard this lie, whether in Youth Group or from our Moms. And half the time it leads to girls in their twenties broken and hurt because Mr. Perfect hasn't come along and swept them off their feet. They've prayed and waited their whole life for this man. And he isn't here. And they wait. And wait. Annnnddddd wait.

So many times I've heard:

"I'm not giving everything to God."
"I don't love my own family enough."
"I am sadisfied in God enough."
"I should love the Lord more."
"When I'm ready, he'll come."

It's lies. Lies of performance. Our performance of how much we serve and love Christ is not going to give us a spouse.

Waiting for a husband can wreck our view of Christ easily.

Christ isn't giving husbands to all the mature girls and holding for the ones who are not ready.

If I could go throw away all the blog posts, facebook posts, and books telling girls "When your ready, your Prince will come." I would.

I'd replace it all with two giant words, Love Jesus.

The Bible never promises us that a perfect man is on it's way. It just calls us to love our God.

Sure, a lot of girls have a spouse waiting for them. I am blessed with an amazing guy I am courting who I hope to wed one day.

But right now all we're called to is to Love our Christ. Sure, we'll want a husband, we'll lust, you'll want sex. But He is not the focus right now in our years of singleness. Christ is. Instead of waiting around for someone who might not exisit, simply fight against the lies of this world.

Your heart might be broken, you might fall. The enemy will tempt you. But FIGHT. And if God gives you a husband to help you in this fight, then that is a huge blessing. But instead of expecting, wonderings, and crying over waiting. Just Love Jesus wherever that may lead you. And Fight.

 It's a wait, too. I myself wear a purity ring. This life is just a battlefield and we're bound with lies that we have to be a certain person for a spouse to come along. We don't. We should just look to the cross, living a cross-centered life.

Smiles, Maya

A Girl Talks Fashion (Fall 2012)

 

 

 

 

I've been collecting a snippit of my most favorite photos of fashion. ^^
Fall is my abosolute favorite time for Fashion in the world.

It's the dark browns, the dark oranges. The leggings, the boots. The coats. The jeans and sweaters.

Gosh, I love fall fashion.

Fashion is a word that brings mixed feelings for me. When I was sixteen,
it was like the bomb. Now. it's more of a love that I go in and out of. I have decided that through the Cardigan Empire Color Theory, I am a Warm and Rich: Deep Autumn when it comes to style.

Brillant, huh?

A Short Post with an Adorable Puppy at the End

Sometimes I don't understand. Often, I am confused. Often, I cry. I never seem to understand. But today I am happy. Today I understand. Today is beautiful. God is good. He is always good and everyday with Him is the best day of my life.

And that's all I have to say today.

So I leave you with this...

An Update Post That I Can't Find a Good Title For...

That is Hilton Head, by the way.

Life's been the norm lately, but has had the news of some promising excitements in the near future. For Labor Day the boy and I are going to spend the entire weekend together with his awesome family, which never happens with our working scudules nowadays. It's going to be epic.
I've had this hope in my heart for a long time that I might be able to return to Hilton Head for fall break later this month and even though the oppertunity is small, I'm still clinging onto it like crazy. Even though my parents don't live there anymore, it's where I spent the most crucial years of my childhood and going back is going home for me. If not, I'll just drive up to North Carolina to visit my parents and siblings, which will be equally as exciting but I really want to go to the beach. It's been too long.

I just got the news the other day the kids I nanny for are spending half of Decemember and all of January with their Grandma in California. I was first a little upset because that meant I was out of work but after talking to my brother Jeremy for a while, I realized I could go back to Germany with him and his wife Meg in January. They are going for two months but I could only go for one. I'm practically beside myself with joy. I'm praying for more direction, more faith. And I do hope Germany is in my near future.

But right now I'm going to go finish up the dishes and wait for the sweethearts to come home from school. I can't wait for tonight, when I leave late for my boy's house to spend a weekend with his family, including my best friend (his sister).

And that is a little update of my crazy life.

Captured and Kept ii

Fresh Chocolate Cake baked by the best sister in the world

Flipping through vinal at thrift shops, leaving a musty smell on my fingers

Finishing a book that leaves you asking for more, with a cool cup of water

When Jeremy brought me home KitKats from Japan (twas a good day)

The four memories that have been beautifully haunting me today. I am happy.

Music Lately

Thought I'd sample I bit of what I've been loving on lately. I was surprised most of this month's favorites were more a pop than my usual country.

Smiles, Maya

To Live Beautiful

Last night was one of the those nights where life was beautiful. The stars sprinkled the sky above me and the world seemed so perfect. I was surrounded by the people I love most and want to continue to love most. When I finally went to sleep, I didn't want to sleep because this fantasy I am living in is too good to sleep. Because no dream could be better than these sort of nights by the lake of laughing, friendship, good talking, and this beautiful life.

I wish life was this amazing all the time. I can wish it was. But it never is.

When things aren't beautiful there's always the desire to not be happy. Yet I want to learn to live beautiful no matter what life may throw at me.

In James 1 it reads, " Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,"

In trials, as a christian, I wish to learn to love deeper, to believe stronger, to have more joy, and to love more beautiful. Not just when life is beautiful, but when life is a mess. Because there is nothing as wonderful as a beautiful mess.

Because as a Christian, we will suffer. The bible is clear that we will. It's a battle, a fight we must not lose. But we must know this world is not our home and it will try to get us. It won't always be pretty. But we instead live for the world, which is our home. Life beautiful for the place we long for.

There will be things you want to give into. We all will want to give up sometimes. But nothing on the earth can satisfy the pain. Only Jesus. And one day we will be with Him forever, living with Him and all His glory.

But in all we do now, let us persevere. Let us hold tight onto the promise He has promised us.

Let us in rainstorms and happiness, dwell in reality whatever the circumstances.

Let us not look to tomorrow, but treaure this today.

Let us live beautiful.

Q&A

Recently, I asked for your questions. Here, I anwser them. I did not list ones that were asked more than once.

What type of music do you play on your guitar??
I play country music It's always been the genre that fits with my personality and I just plain find joy in it. Most of the songs I play nowadyas are ones I've been writing, but I've always been playing songs by artists such as Carrie Underwood, Faith Hill, Taylor Swift, Sugarland, Mariah Carey, Miranda Lambert, etc. I also, of course, love to play worship music especially by David Crowder.

So, I wanna hear more about your guy…. =)
He's quite a fairytale. See our story {here.} and I was quite amused that almost all of you asked this question (but I toally understand...it's what I'd be asking too).

If there was one thing you could tell every single person in the world, what would it be??
That Jesus Christ saves and He sadisfys and there is  in life but him. So often I see friends, family, and celebrities fall away and search for things that cannot saidfy.  But Christ is everything. Without him, everything is empty. Everything is worthless. Everything is dead.

Name three of your favorite book AND movie characters.
Hmmm...this was actually the hardest question! My favorites are ever-changing but my favorite book characters are Atticus Finch, Winnie-the-Pooh, and Jo March. My favorite movie characters are Batman (from the new one), Rapunzel (from tangled) and Simba (from the Lion King).

Do you have a certain position that you like to fall asleep in?
I always sleep on my left side every night. Actually I can't fall asleep unless I am in the right position, cause it is just what I am used to. Once I had surgrey and had to sleep on my back. It was the worst thing ever.

Jeans/shorts or dresses/skirts?
A bit of both. I never wear skirts for some reason (I just don't...it's unusal). But I LOVE dresses. I wear them whenever I can. Especially sun dresses. But at the same time: nothing is better than some comfy jeans to slip into.

whats a normal day in your life look like?
I wake up, do my devotion, make coffee, wake up the three kiddos I nanny, give the kids breakfast and dress them, drive the kids to school, come home and do any housework or cooking for the day, if I have time I go eat lunch with a friend or read//blog//play music, at 3 I pick up the kids and play with them until their dad comes home from work, I eat dinner, and after dinner I sometimes watch the kids if their dad has work or I go visit my friends and family.

what do you want to be when you grow up?
A Daughter of Christ, wife, mommy and maybe missionary. That's all...ever.

whats your favorite food?
Corn, Chocolate, pastas. Not togther of course....

Thanks for asking! And hey I'll do another one of these...ask ANY questions below.

Smiles, Maya

a love story

A lot of you guys have asked about the guy I am courting right now.

So here, I tell you the story of a girl, boy, lot's of coffee, a small island, and a really big God.

I met this guy in elementary school, and we didn't really hang out. When I was in 8th grade we became good friends. And I fell hard for him. I loved him, but tried to guard at the same time. It was hard because I knew he liked this other girl. So I'd write him letters in my journal, like this one:

Dear Green Eyes,

I think you would be surprised to know you've captured my heart like a theif. You stole it gradually. I cry myself to sleep. I cannot move on, I am stuck liking you. And how I love you! I guess most people would say I am insane but the smell of you captivates me like crazy. My heart is so wild when you barely touch me. Everything about you---your hair, your eyes, your face---shines like the sun in a gloomy place. Everything you've done is innocence to me. I'd love you if you were 100 or 17. I'll love you forever. I'll write my songs for you. I'll pray for your health and I'll hope God will get you through. I can't stop thinking of me and you. None of this ever happened. It never will. None of this might be God's will. I hope you remember that forever. One day perhaps you'll tell me you love me forever, if God wills it, we will be together. and dream.

so this is me finshing how I feel. You'll never read it but still I trying to let go. I'm desprately trying. But inside I ache.

~ Me.

 

Of course I never sent them, but I sure wanted too. When I was in 9th grade he asked me to dance for the first time at a party. The letter I wrote the next day was quite lovesick:

 

Dear _______,

Today something happened that has never happened before. You asked me to dance. In those few precious moments I did something I have never done before. I feel in love. In love with you. It was like you were the only real thing in the world and your giant eyes looked at me with such a look I got all fuzzy inside. I felt the hopeless romantic feelings return and my heart begain to dance inside of me.

Tonight as I was walking the dog(I hate her by the way) I could not stop dreaming of you. Your perfect smile. Your gorgeous laugh. I was so in love I could not sleep. SO I wrote you this letter. A lovesick letter from a lovesick girl.

Tomorrow is the next day of school. Even though it won't be a dance party like last night, it will be for me.
Can't wait to see you there.

Your lovesick girl,
Maya M.

These one-sided feelings went on forever. Then one day he moved away from our island home and went to something called college. So I missed him and missed him. We'd write and I just waited in fear for the day when he would write to say he had a girlfriend. But he never did. There were rough moments when I'd give up on him or fall in love with someone else, but it was always back to him.

Around the time I was 17, we started writing hand-written letters to each other and it was a lot of fun and I felt like I was holding to something that wasn't there. I sturggled a lot.

A few months ago we spent some time together and he ended up asking me if I was interested in praying to see if God wanted us together. I was overwhelmed and didn't say anything. I couldn't believe the guy I'd wanted and loved for so long was actually confessing his love to me.

So I spent the next few months praying to God if a courtship was His plan for me and him.

The next summer we went a mission trip together with some others. It was hard being with him all the time, I was sure he didn't like me anymore.

 

So one morning I went down to the  beach and prayed for almost an hour and wrote down in my journal, "Lord, whoever you have for me, whenever that might be....let them come in your timing. Because I give my love life to you."

 

Later that day, he asked me out to a cafe' in Germany and told me there he truly had feelings for me and been praying. He was shocked I told him I was doing the same. Apparantly all these years he had no idea I loved him. And he had liked me too all this time and I had no idea. It was a moment I'd wanted for forever.  

So the past few months have been filled with rain showers, happiness, and laughter. Every day I love him more and miss him more when he's not by my side. But I am trusting God through every moment.

And that's it. For now ;)

It's Thursday

Warm Cinnamon rolls//cold coffee+kidds snuggling in my arms//reading blogs for the first time in months, scrolling through all the wonderous posts I've missed//chatting with my sister, em//not doing the work I should//going to hang with some friends tonight//quoting myself//learning to cook a bit//sunlight on my face from the window//laughing out loud alone (it's awkward. really...)//wishing I could have red-haired kids one day//the sound of the creaking door//never finished stories//life.

It's Thursday, folks. Enjoy it.

P.S. Keep asking me all the questions you want. And for all you interested: tomorrow comes a full post on him. So tune in ;)

Announcing+Giveaway

 

 

I am pleased to announce the launch of Maya Moore: Graphic Design.

It's graphic design for the everday blogger (that's you my friend).

So if I were you I'd stop reading this and head over there.

Or...you could enter the giveaway below:

Free Mega Blogger or Wordpress design from Maya Moore (not usually free).

Includes:
//Custom Header
//Custom Fonts
//Custom Colors
//Blog Button
//Favicon
//Custom Sidebar
//Welcome Graphic
//Background
//Signature
//Navabar and Attrubtion removed

to enter:

//Comment below
//must be follower of Efflorescence
//must be follower of Maya Moore: Graphic Design
//Extra: follow me on twitter or order something from the site or blog about it.

Smiles, Maya

Captured and Kept I

Skateboard parks in the middle school days

Messy hair+traveling Europe on cloudy days

Afternoon naps when you don't sleep, just think about Beautiful Jesus.

Sad songs when your loving someone who doesn't care a thing

Those rocks growing up.

Treasured and kept. a thousand memories. One second and it's all gone. But it's a beautiful aftermath.

Captured and kept, inspired by this post, is a new link-up I am beginning on wendsdays. Feel free to link up here.